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Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2012 19:24:03 -0500
From: Morris Henderson <bigmoh@post.com>
Subject: Since You Asked
SINCE YOU ASKED
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Not all advice columnists
bother to sugar-coat their answers.
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Dear Dr. Smartass
I've finally found a sex partner and would marry him if
our state would permit. He and I are compatible in every
way but one. He insists on playing heavy metal music
when we make love. I can't stand it. There have been
times when the noise that passes for music even prevents
me from achieving an erection. Should I tell him to get
lost or should I endure the torture of his disgusting taste
in music?
At wit's end in Cleveland.
Dear Witless,
I will ignore your narrow-minded refusal to expand your
aesthetic pleasure by failing to appreciate the rhythms and
tonality of various forms of artistic performance. Instead, I will
ask you in what century you're living. If you would prefer
Moonlight and Roses to accompany your sexual gratification,
then find an old man who is obsessed with the good old days
and hope he has what it takes to perform in bed. If you're a
fan of classical music, convince your lover to let you listen to
the Halleluiah chorus from Handel's Messiah. Time it right
and you'll climax simultaneously with the emotional crescendo
of the final Halleluiah. I've tried it and it was a spectacular
orgasm. Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture may have a similar
effect if you synchronize with the cannon fire at the end. If
your partner refuses to let you substitute different music, then
he is also aesthetically challenged. In that case, get yourself
an MP3 player and ear buds. Ask any teenager or Google it if
you don't know what they are, which I suspect you don't.
Dr. Smartass
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Dear Dr. Smartass
I'm considering opening an adult store to sell videos,
magazines, and sex toys. The prices for this stuff must
mean there's a huge profit margin. And there are always
a lot of men who have spare cash and a need to indulge in
sensual pleasure.
What's your advice?
Greg in New Jersey
Dear Greg,
My advice is simple: DON'T!
That's probably not the answer you hoped for and you may
want to know why I say that. First, the profit margin is not as
great as it seems (or you're such a cheapskate that you hate
paying for vicarious thrills to jerk off to). You obviously haven't
considered the cost of inventory, rent, employee wages, and
utilities. Not to mention hush money to the local police and
contributions to local politicians' election campaign. Second,
finding a location for your store is tricky. If it's in a city (where
customers are) it can trigger a backlash from prudish citizenry.
Out in the boondocks (where customers aren't) is safer but
isolated ... unless you're next to a heavily traveled highway
where the prime locations are already populated by similar,
sleazy shops. Finally, why would you want to compete with
more accessible porn on the internet? Folks can even order
their sex toys online nowadays.
I hope that answers your question but I must give another
opinion. Catering to men (Yes, they're ALL men.) who are
inept or unappealing or both and therefore can't snag a flesh-
and-blood partner is worse than showing reruns of Julia
Child's cooking shows to starving guys who haven't got the
wherewithal to buy as much as a Big Mac. It only compounds
their frustration.
Dr. Smartass
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Dear Dr. Smartass
I'm 21, gay, and afraid to come out to my parents.
They're vocally homophobic and active supporters of
traditional marriage. They constantly harass me about
not having a girlfriend. How should I tell them the truth
about me?
Confused in Seattle
Dear Confused
How big are your cajones, Pal?
If they're the size of peanuts, your choice is simple. Keep
your secret and live a life of unfulfilled loneliness while putting
up with your parents' recurrent haranguing about getting
married and siring their grandchildren. DO NOT try to
enlighten them about "traditional marriage" as found in the
Bible that includes Jacob and his wives, David and his
concubines, and stoning brides on their wedding day if they
aren't virgins. Some religions have implanted a very effective
filter in their adherents' brains so they can conveniently ignore
passages that contradict today's restrictive definition of
marriage. Because of their selective perception they would
even refuse to believe that Michelangelo wrote a funeral
epigram to Cecchino dei Bracci in 1544:
The flesh now earth, and here my bones,
Bereft of handsome eyes, and jaunty air,
Still loyal are to him I joyed in bed,
Whom I embraced, in whom my soul now lives.
If, on the other hand, your cajones are closer to golf ball
size, then be honest with your parents and with yourself. You
ask how. First of all, recognize that your parents�like
everyone else�have good and bad traits. Unless they took
you to the woodshed frequently for a lashing on your bare butt
or locked you in your room and put you on a starvation diet as
punishment for any childish misbehavior, you owe them your
unrestrained gratitude and love. Even Dr. Smartass can't
answer your question because there's no single answer that
works in every situation. All I can offer is a few general
principles. 1. Emphasize your love and gratitude. 2. Affirm
your faith that God loves ALL his children. 3. Never allow the
erroneous term, "lifestyle choice", to go unchallenged. You
are what you are and were born that way. 4. Finally, prepare
yourself for their emotional outburst but cling to the hope their
initial shock will fade as you continue to reassure them of your
love for them.
Dr. Smartass
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Dear Dr. Smartass
There's an item on my bucket list that bothers me. I'm
a 74 year old virgin and want to experience gay sex before
the Grim Reaper comes for me or my aging body loses its
ability to perform. At my age how can I hook up with a
man? His age doesn't matter as long as he's fit to look at
and can give me what I want.
Desperate in Connecticut
Dear Desperate
If you remained a virgin for decades because of a
compelling concern for family and/or career and were
therefore a victim of society's cruel persecution you have my
sympathy. If, however, your abstinence was due less noble
reasons, you're either an idiot or a coward.
You have a computer because you sent me an email. So
USE IT! Enter appropriate keywords in one or more search
engines (e.g., Google) and browse through the results to find
sites that will put you in touch with others who are looking for
the same thing you are. A word of warning...well two words.
First, be aware that there are some risks. The site may
want a membership fee. That's not bad (There's no such thing
as a free lunch.) unless it's a disreputable site that will
shamelessly take your money and deliver far less than you
want. Worse, they may steal your credit card number. Free
enterprise has its dark side. Who needs the expensive and
emotionally draining hassle of identity theft?
Second, expect to go through a courtship ritual in which
you exchange email, phone calls, and, if both of you are still
interested, meeting at a restaurant or other public place with
no expectation of sex but for the sole purpose of getting to
know one another better. What follows is up to you. Either of
you can call it off or take it to the next level. This can take
time. Be cautiously patient. You've waited for decades. A
little more waiting shouldn't be a problem.
A final suggestion. If your patience won't tolerate the
arduous search I've just described, perhaps you can find an
escort service that will provide you with what you want.
Although most of them supply females to straight men, a few
will have men available for those of us who are uniquely gifted.
(I'm aware of an agency operating in Dallas and Houston that
is exclusively gay. Perhaps there are similar services in your
area.) They can be expensive but I have hunch you're willing
to pay the price to take care of a bucket list item even though
it's no more than gratification of primal biological needs
without any pretense of companionship and affection.
Dr. Smartass
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Dear Dr. Smartass
My boss at work has expressed to others his disgust at
homosexuality so nobody at work knows I'm gay.
Recently, he has made several remarks to me in private
about my body and even what's between my legs. Believe
me; what he says is more than suggestive. I think he's
hot for me and I'd welcome him into my bed because he's
a hunk. But he may be trying to trap me so he can fire me
and prove to others that degenerate fags are not welcome
in the company. I'm good at my job and love it but I can't
afford to lose it. What should I do?
Perplexed in Austin
Dear Perplexed
Can't you see the contradiction in what you say? Where's
your sense of logic? You say you're attracted to him in spite
of his bigotry. Spewing venomous hate is NOT a
characteristic of anyone who is capable of being a
considerate, loving partner. Rather, it's evidence of a
character flaw from which no good can come. Sure, it's true
that some men disguise their sexuality by condemning gays
but those men are rarely�if ever�willing to actually engage in
what they need and want. Open your eyes to reality, Pal.
My advice? DON'T take the bait! You can ignore or even
discourage the apparent advances and hope for a transfer or
promotion to escape your predatory boss. Or you can use
jujitsu (martial art tactics that derive power from the attacker's
own momentum). Gather incontrovertible proof of his interest
in your private parts with either a tape recording or a hidden
witness. Then file a sexual harassment suit. Be warned. This
can get ugly. His job and your future in the company will be
jeopardized.
My guess is that you will reject the idea of legal action. If
you ignore my advice and encourage a liaison, I can only wish
you good luck because you'll need lots of it.
Dr. Smartass
P.S. Be sure to read the next question and reply.
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Dear Dr. Smartass
I'm very much attracted to one of my employees and
I'm fairly certain he's gay. I've given him every opening I
can think of but he hasn't shown any interest or taken
offense. What can I do to find out if he's interested in sex
with men and me in particular?
At a loss in Boston
Dear Loser
I can't believe that your question and the preceding one
from Perplexed is coincidence. I CAN believe it's an infantile
joke you're playing on me. On the miniscule chance it's not a
joke, I will take the opportunity to say something constructive.
If you're NOT Perplexed's manager, read the preceding
question and answer. Then wrap your mind (crippled though it
may be by your lust) around the possible consequences of
your actions: a public and painful lawsuit and permanent
damage to your career. It's a high price to pay for a patently
iffy chance for a romp in the hay.
If you ARE his manager, STOP�now and forever�
spewing hate by bashing gays. It doesn't make you more
masculine or righteous. And it won't rid you of your entirely
natural attraction to men. Either say nothing about gays
(acceptable) or frequently express tolerance for diversity
(preferred). Over time you'll be viewed by everyone, including
the target of your advances, not as a venomous bigot but as
an enlightened person and one whom your employee may
accept as a potential (emphasis on potential) partner. Finally,
consider the comment I got from a cab driver while on a
business trip to Sarasota. He offered to hook me up with a
chic and mentioned casually that she worked for the same
company I did. I declined. "Oh," he said. "I get it. Ya don't
dip your pen in the company inkwell." A poetic and profound
comment, don't you think?.
Dr. Smartass
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Dear Dr. Smartass
I have a great partner but a big problem. He refuses to
bottom for me but is often a top and enjoys it. How do I
fix his problem so I can enjoy the full range of sexual
pleasure?
Unfulfilled in Miami
Dear M-T
HIS problem? Sounds like you BOTH have a problem.
Neither of you is benefiting from both sides of anal coupling.
I assume you've reasoned with him, describing
enthusiastically how good it feels. Perhaps you have pleaded
with him to reciprocate. Don't you realize that trying to
convince him with words will never work if you don't know the
real cause of his refusal? Are you a board-certified
psychiatrist? If not, abandon all hope of understanding and
overcoming his reluctance.
You might try giving him a vibrating dildo and persuade him
to try it out (or tease him into trying it out). If he refuses, let
him watch you use it and see your reaction. But don't
overplay it or he'll recognize that you're faking it. If he does try
it, it's then a short trip to discarding the dildo and substituting
your man shaft. You do know what a prostate is, where it's
located, and how to stimulate it, don't you?
There's always the Lysistrata Strategy. You've never heard
of that? Why am I not surprised? Lysistrata is a play by
Aristophanes (446-386BC) in which the women of Athens
plotted to end the Peloponnesian War by withholding sexual
favors as a means of forcing the men to negotiate peace.
Women have been doing that ever since to get their husbands
or lovers to grant whatever the women demanded. You could
do the same but I don't recommend it because the blowback
(no pun intended) is unpredictable and very unpleasant: a
nasty argument, hard feelings that leave long-term scars, or
even a parting of the ways.
Those are three options. Logic hasn't worked and never
will. Dildo might work but there's no guarantee. The
Lysistrata Strategy is likely to backfire. So you're left with but
one choice. If your partner is worth keeping, learn to accept
him as he is. After all, isn't that a hallmark of love?
Dr. Smartass
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Dear Dr. Smartass
I agree with much of what you say when answering
readers' questions but any wise counsel is polluted by
your arrogance and by your demeaning and
condescending remarks. Why can't you treat others with
the respect you demand of them? I doubt you're a real
Doctor.
Disappointed in Denver
Dear Disappointed, et.al.
You're not the first touchy-feely, namby-pamby type for
whom self-esteem, however unjustified, is a paramount
obsession and who doesn't like my answers. But yours is the
first complaint I dignify with a response.
Guys who do not or will not think through a problem need
to be shocked into recognizing their laziness and/or their
undeveloped mental faculties. My intent is not to demean or
condescend but rather to administer a needed dose of tough
love. If you perceive that as arrogance, my friend, it's your
problem and not mine.
I do not suffer fools gladly. You've probably heard that
phrase (now a clich�) first used by Saint Paul in his letter to
the people of Corinth [2 Corinthians 11:19]. But have you
given any thought to its meaning? Many have not and use it
inappropriately. G. K. Chesterton's clarification of the phrase
in his book, Everyday Biblical Literacy, concludes: "...folly is
the thing which we all find about those with whom we are in
intimate contact; and it is the one enduring basis of affection,
and even of respect."
It is my affection and respect that drives me to help fools in
the hope that honest and blunt answers to their questions will
somehow cause an awakening of their logical thought.
A real Dr. Smartass
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Dear Dr. Smartass
My 17 year old son claims he's gay. I have my doubts.
If he really is, I would be disappointed but can grudgingly
accept it. But I worry about the discrimination and
persecution he'll face. How can I be sure he's gay? And
if he is, how can I prepare him for the agony of being an
outcast?
Worried in Topeka
Dear Worried
You want answers to two questions for the price of one?
You're probably the kind who buys whatever is marked "buy
one get one free" whether you need it or not. Nevertheless, I
will grant you the bargain because you face a situation in
common with a lot of parents.
How can you be sure he's gay? YOU can't. HE can. He's
seventeen, on the brink of legal adulthood, and deserves the
right to make his own decisions. Of two things you can be
sure. One. Since he told you he's gay, he did so only after
years of struggling with his sexual orientation. Give him credit
for that. And TRUST him. He's not a child any more as much
as you would like him to remain an adorable youngster and
dependent on you for guidance on what to do and what to
think. He'll soon leave the nest and live his own life. Which
brings me to point two. The struggle he went through before
telling you he's gay included, without a doubt, consideration of
the treatment he might receive from hateful bigots. His
assessment is sure to be more thorough�and more
accurate�than your pessimistic viewpoint. An inescapable
fact is that the twenty-first century is not like the twentieth.
Your generation grew up infused with values that were only a
few steps beyond Victorian prudishness. We no longer live in
that world. Your son lives in today's world and knows better
than you what it's like.
Finally, since you're a bargain hunter, I'll add a third point,
on the house. NEVER stop loving your son. Your love and
support is vital to his navigating the still treacherous path of a
gay in a world where the ignorant bigotry of the previous
generation is fading but is still a potent weapon of extremists.
Dr. Smartass
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Dear Dr. Smartass,
Reading your column is always very enlightening and I am
cumming to you now for some advice because you know
everything!
Since I had my prostate frozen and it no longer exists, I
cannot enjoy a big cock (or any cock) up the ass as much as I
could when my lovenut was in place. Is there some way I
could again enjoy the feeling of a hot, hard hunk of manmeat
plowing my inside or is that beyond me now?
Confused in Charlotte
Dear Confused
I sympathize with your plight. Did you wear out your dildo and
compulsively satisfied your rampant urges by shoving a popsicle up
your ass? (It wasn't an icicle unless there's some Podunk town in
Minnesota named Charlotte.) Still, I'll solve your problem if only to
prove that you can't stump Dr. Smartass and to help other loyal
readers of my column in the same situation.
Your predicament is a challenge but there is a solution. It's
expensive and borderline illegal but the cost and the risk may be
trivial if you're addicted to anal stimulation. Have you kept up with
the medical advances in recent years? If so, you know about
successful transplants of hearts, lungs, liver, and even faces. It
should not be a surprise that a prostate transplant is possible. It's
rarely done because for most men the loss of their prostate is a
relatively minor inconvenience. For you, however, it's obviously a
tragedy of epic proportions.
Is it worth it to you to travel to India? There's an unlicensed
doctor in Bangalore with a clinic in a low-rent (aka squalid)
neighborhood who can implant a healthy prostrate from one of
thousands of impoverished men. (For legal reasons, I cannot give
you his name so you'll have to do some sleuthing when you get
there.)
Is it worth it to you to risk the twenty percent success rate? (In a
majority of cases, the nerves are damaged, which precludes the
desired sensations from reaching your sex-starved brain.)
Is it worth it to you to endure up to six months recuperation
without the gratification you crave? But you're not getting it now so
what's another short wait?
As I said, it's expensive and risky. The alternative is to satisfy
your raging lust in other ways.
Dr. Smartass